Updated.

Things are changing. I realize I don't post on here, but I need to talk, I don't know what I had intended to write on this post, because I started it months ago and never even came close to finishing it, or really even starting it. I had started up this blog to kind of document my life. Talk about things I was excited about, etc. But almost as soon as things in my life finally started to go right, they went horribly wrong. I was forced to realize that I had wasted two years of my life on a man that would never love me the way that I loved him. I was then forced to raise my child on my own, because he didn't want to be around me, which meant he didn't want to be around our son. Its heartbreaking to learn that you were entirely wrong about a person. The situation absolutely killed me. I stopped writing, I didn't want to share this with strangers. But now im better, and its time to vent. So many things have changed since I started this blog. So many. When I started out, I posted about how we were shopping for apartments, and possibly thinking of buying our own home. I had paid the down payment on an apartment we both wanted... I didn't tell him, I wanted it to be a surprise. I borrowed the money from my mother until I could pay her back, and she was more then happy to do it because she knew that I felt as if moving into our own space would somehow fix all of the problems we had been having. He and I felt that way as well. That's why we had been looking. He has no idea I even did that. I wasn't able to get the entire deposit back, but I did get about half. But it was still so terrible that he never even gave It that chance. To see if having our own space would help us. Being cramped up with your fiancé, brand new baby, PLUS your parents was a little hard, and would be for any relationship. But he had cheated so many time during the entire two years, and I had turned into this bitter, untrusting woman that lashed out at him as soon as he walked through the door. I was always so worried about what he was doing that I couldn't even take care of myself properly. It was all one gigantic mess. Still, I wanted it to work so badly that I would go to desperate lengths to do so. When he finally said it was over, I was both relieved and heartbroken all at the same time. There goes the love of my life. I felt like the ugliest person in the world, inside and out. Why did nobody want me? I guess those feelings are pretty standard for the end of a relationship, but how the next few months played out was pretty much your worst case scenario situations. We came up with a schedule for our son so that he would see us both equally. He ended up not having a place to stay, and was sleeping in his car, so my parents and I offered him our guest bedroom until he could find himself an apartment. He was there for a total of one week before we had our first actual fight since the break up. I wanted him back. I felt miserable. Unhappy. I spent my days crying and thinking about how much happier I was when we were together. I just got to a point where I was ready to beg. So, as humiliating as it was, I begged. I cried and I begged for hours while he sat at my grandmothers kitchen table in complete silence. No emotions showing on his face, which only made me cry more at the thought of him not caring at all. Eventually he spoke up. Just to say that it would never happen. That we would never be together again. Then I became hysterical and raised my voice, which lead him to let everything out. Finally. He told me how he really felt about me. Not only did he make the point that I was a fat bitch several times, but also that nobody would ever love me. That he wasn't sorry that he cheated. That he never loved me. Etc. I realize now that a lot of that was said only to hurt me, out of anger, But at the time, it destroyed whatever was left of me. He left that night after waking our son up by yelling through the house and throwing things including me. It was the first time he had ever been physically violent towards me, it was horrible. After that I focused on trying to move on. Let myself heal. Enjoy life without him. A slew of public internet arguments via facebook and twitter commenced, and lasted for the next few months. He stopped seeing our son, and we had gotten to the point where we were barely speaking. I found out that I was pregnant a little over a month after our split. Unfortunately, I didn't find out until I started bleeding and cramping so painfully that I drove myself to the emergency room. The doctors advised me to take the next few days easy, and if I were to ignore their advice, I may possibly lose my child. The next day I told him plainly what was happening. He told me to have an abortion. Someone who was in love with me just weeks ago, wanted me to kill our second child. I was sick. Emotionally sick. I yelled at him via messenger for hours about the subject before I finally deleted my entire profile and created a new one. Telling him that my account had been hacked and that I never sent those messages. Leaving him to believe that I was never pregnant. I lose the baby later in the week. My heart still breaks for that child every day, and nobody knows about it but me. Our fighting went on for such a long time after that. It was always just us trying to one-up the other in insults and public humiliation. I was on a mission to find out every little detail that I could to keep him away from our son. At that point, he was seeing our son maybe once a month, and making things super confusing for him, and I just wanted something that was more set in stone. I requested child support papers, and filled them out but never turned them in. My still loving him had a lot to do with why I was so easy to forgive and let him keep coming back around even though I said I wouldn't. After I started my new job, and started supporting my son full time on my own, things got a bit easier. I started seeing one of the most amazing men I have ever known. Hes one of those rare breeds that actually believes in treating everyone fairly. He was so sweet. So perfect. We had always kind of seen eachother around on social networking sites. We didn't speak much, but I always laughed at his posts and thought he seemed like a nice guy. After I became single, we started actually communicating. It took me maybe a week to start having feelings for him, which made my ex seem non-existent. We would text through my night shifts. He would stay awake with me all night and we would talk about everything. He told me about some of the harder things in his life that hes had to go through. Losing precious people. He told me what he wanted to name his future children. He made me fall in love with him. He was talking to another girl, and had been for a while, but had never officially began dating her. So we agreed to remain friends, even though we knew our feelings for each other would bring us together eventually. Sooner then we expected actually. I couldn't even begin to express how happy I was when he asked me to be his girlfriend. Everyone else was so happy for us. This man. He made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. My smile was making a permanent appearance. But we had never met in person. We tried several times, and each time our plans fell through. I began to become discouraged. He was dealing with person issues that made talking to each other and seeing each other almost impossible. For someone I had only really known for a short while, I missed him so much It hurt. He broke up with me after things got harder. He was afraid he would hurt me. I don't think he realized that I was already hurting. I got a taste of what I have always wanted and then I was told I could never have it again. We still talk from time to time. We have actually spent time together in real life now. I can absolutely say without a doubt he is a beautiful creature. He is exactly what I expected/wanted. We still talked for a while afterwards, with full intentions of getting back together once things smoothed out for him in his personal life. That day never came. Eventually he told me to stop waiting, and that we weren't going to be together, which broke my heart even further if that's possible. I began trying to focus on work. I just wanted to work and not think about relationships or anything even remotely close to that. I just worked, and came home and spend time with my son. Work, home, son, work, home, son. Eventually, a friend from work set me up on a blind date with the complete douche bag known as Cody Hollen. That's probably the only name ill actually post in this. He was ok looking, nice, friendly, etc. I thought why not. Help me get my mind off of the fact that im still entirely hung up on Mr. Perfect. We talked for a few weeks and went on a few normal dates and he asked me to be his girlfriend. Mr. Perfect was so upset with me when I changed my relationship status, leaving me so confused. Cody turned out to be a complete tool as I feared though, and the first time I refused to have sex with him he would give me the silent treatment for days. Then by chance, a sweet guy at work that I had become instant friends with from day one just happened to catch my eye. I didn't talk to him about my feelings, particularly because I was dealing with a relationship with a complete idiot at the time. But the more I spoke to him, the more I thought about him. At this point, with all the utter bullshit I had caught in relationships, I was just tired of being unhappy. I didn't want to hurt anymore. I just wanted to find someone that would be good to me and be good to my son. Sweet guy from work had already met my son, and had made it a personal habit to play with him every time I brought him in. For hours. So check one off the list. He always seemed to pop up out of nowhere. If I went out to my car on a break, he always happened to be doing rounds outside. When I was coming in, he was always at the front lobby when I walked in. It was just always perfect timing, and seeing him that much made me think about him even more. Finally, I let him know I was interested. Luckily, so was he, and he asked me on a date. I broke up with Cody and vowed to never speak to the idiot again. *Side note: I know all of this back and forth seems to be a bit much. Im not a slut, and don't jump from one man to another, and honestly prefer to be single most of the time. But I wont deny a nice man when he asks to hang out, especially since he was such a good friend. I thought, if anything, that we would have a nice meal, watch a good movie, and have some good conversation. We did. Eight hours worth. Never in my 23 years have I had a date that lasted for eight hours. The fact that it would have lasted longer if there were more hours in the day should be testament enough to how amazing the date was. He never touched me. He didn't want to "make out." We talked. We sat in the restaurant for two hours. Eating, and then talking. We talked about ourselves, our past, what we wanted for our futures. Just everything. Then we went to the movie theater and our movie didn't start for a while, so we spent another two hours sitting in the car talking some more. We did flirt, and I was very nervous, mainly because I hadn't considered him as more then a friend until recently. But it was fun. Nice. Innocent. Nothing was expected of me other then to have fun. The movie was amazing, and he was respectful. Eventually he put his arm around me, which was nice, and then we went home. After that night, we were basically inseparable, and eventually he introduced me to his parents. Coincidentally, I had worked a double shift the night I met them, so they invited me to spend the night in their home. Im glad they liked me so quickly. I felt right at home with them. It wasn't long before we started getting more serious. Its not every day that you find someone who wants all the same things as you at the same time as you. He asked me to marry him on Christmas, and I said yes even though it seemed crazy since we hadn't been dating long at all. We were married on February 16th, 2014, and ill be honest, I couldn't be happier. It has been different. Ive never done anything so quickly in my entire life. But it just felt right. It was right. I love him. He treats me like I am all that there is. My son calls him daddy. He loves my son. I think I may finally have my happy little family.
Of course, my sons father finally did step up to the plate and decide to be a more permanent part of his life, and I did finally file those child support papers. I quit my job recently to spend more time at home with my son, because work was keeping me away from him. Though, lately my sleeping issues have made it a bit harder to spend time with him. But all is well I suppose.